love

Navigating the First Year by Roselle Weinberger

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It’s been nine months since my husband passed.  I’ve experienced his birthday, my birthday, Thanksgiving, our anniversary, and Christmas is almost here.  Each event has brought on different emotions.  How I dealt with each event was different.  Everything in my life is different but in some ways the same.  I have the same love for him and I still feel my connection to him.

 

The challenge came in when well meaning family and friends interjected their thoughts on how they think I am doing.  I suppose it’s because they don’t know what to say or that they think they know what I want to hear. Regardless, I can’t judge them for not knowing how to reach out in a manner not to cause me hurt. On our recent anniversary, I received several messages regarding the day.  They were all issued hopefully out of love and concern but mostly because they felt sorry for me.  I don’t want or need pity.  What I would have rather received perhaps, is just a 'thinking of you', 'is there anything I can do for you today' or 'do you need to talk'?  These options would be much better than, “I know this day must be tough for you” or “You don’t have him but you have so many good memories.”  Even sharing a happy memory with me would have been better choice/message. 

 

The team at ID has been working diligently to prepare me for all the firsts.  I was actually having a good day, having good thoughts, until I was hit with the pity comments.  My mistake was in not responding truthfully, letting them know how the comments made me feel and given them a better option of what to say, so in the future they could avoid making the same comments to someone else.  This was a learning experience for me as well.  Reminding myself to be honest and speak the truth.  

 

Thank goodness for my caring adult children!  No pep talks, pity or unwanted comments, just a simple text asking how I was doing.  Brought the light back into my day.  I was able to let them know I was having a good day and what my plans were.  I was also able to share a sweet anniversary story which brought a smile to my face.  In sharing the memory with them, they were able to learn another special quality their dad had.  They weren’t aware of the romantic side of him.

 

Doing nothing to change my outlook, my way of dealing with the obstacles in my life, would have been so easy.  Change for me before ID was never easy.  I was great at avoiding difficult situations and confrontations.  I’ve learned that you can only avoid so long before whatever you didn’t want to deal with comes back around again. During that time of avoidance I would experience at times physical pain, worry, raw emotion, all of which wouldn’t have occurred if I had dealt with the situation in the first place.  ID has given me tools to work through the difficult times.  It’s amazing how changing the way I process emotions, the way I respond to situations has made such a difference in my life.  I am a totally different person than I was five months ago.  I am no longer an emotional wreck.  Do I still grieve?  Yes, of course, but I don’t let it overwhelm me.  When I feel sad, I think of a happy time and that makes me smile. I focus on the many wonderful years I had my loving husband instead of the few short months we dealt with his illness.  I was allowing the way his life ended to be front and center blocking all the fun loving times.  No more!

 

Taking the classes, using the tools, and then following through has been life changing.  Even though I have completed the classes, I continue to learn, evolve by surrounding myself with like-minded people and holding my truth and not allowing others to bring me down.    My hope is to enlighten others and make their lives better in the process.  Teaching by example and not preaching.

Self-Love is The Key by Annette Pingitore

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I’m proud to share that my husband and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary this week!  Looking back at our life together, I can see that as a young woman at the age of only 20, I certainly did not know yet who I truly was at the time of our marriage.  I went into it blindly, feeling certain that he was the one for me, but also with the intent of changing all of the negative qualities I saw in him.  My focus was always on him, and I spent years trying to “fix” him so that I could feel more comfortable and secure.  Well, it only took me 20 years to realize that my peace and security had only to do with ME, not HIM; yikes! Through the personal development I’ve done with Intuitive Development, I can now see that we have to love and accept ourselves FIRST.

 

The people we are closest with are our biggest teachers and typically our most difficult relationships.  They act as mirrors for us.  So, if we are triggered by the things they say or do, then we can be sure that those negative feelings are present to show us that we have an old wound or pattern that needs to be dealt with.  These wounds and negative patterns stem from our childhood. We learn from our parents’ examples how we should treat ourselves and others.  As we move forward in life, it is so important to find out who we are as a unique individual.  We are our own person with both positive and negative traits that all need to be identified, accepted and appreciated.

So, here are some reminders from some of the courses of how we can practice self-love in order to keep the focus on ourselves instead of blaming and pointing the finger at others as the source of our own distress and lack of fulfillment:

 

·         Pay attention to your feelings.  Are you feeling guilty and judging yourself?  If so, what is the truth about the situation?  Did you make the right choice?  If the answer is yes, then stand firm in your decision.  If the answer is no, be accountable through a clearing conversation or self-reflection.

·         Is someone trying to make you feel guilty?  Are they judging you?  If so, DETACH!  Don’t give them your time and energy trying to convince them to see things your way.  If and when they are ready to reconnect and be accountable, then you can re-engage and clear the air.

·         Allow any and all of your feelings to come to the surface.  Choose to love and accept yourself even when you are feeling badly. You can’t heal if you suppress your feelings.  They have to be fully expressed through a conversation, self-reflection or writing/journaling.

·         Make time for yourself each and every day even if it’s just for a few minutes.  Take time to breath, relax and give yourself a break.  It is extremely important to do things for yourself that nourish your soul, mind and body.

·         Keep an open mind and always continue to learn and grow.  We are constantly evolving, so it is important to explore fresh ideas.  I find that it’s very important to keep the new and enlightening concepts I’ve learned (especially from Intuitive Development) in the forefront of my mind so as not to fall back into old negative patterns. 

·         Don’t go it alone.  Reach out for support in your times of need.

·         Do what brings you joy.  Maybe take a walk, go for a drive, read a book, do a craft, have lunch with a friend, get a massage, go dancing, plan a romantic date, take a trip...  Make enjoyment a priority in your life and know that you deserve to have fun and be happy.

·         Keep your focus on the positive aspects of your life.  Remind yourself of the strength you possess as well as your best qualities and count your blessings. Gratitude is essential to having an abundant life!

 

Please choose to love and honor yourself and know your worth.  When you do this for yourself, you then teach others how to treat you as well.  The most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with YOURSELF.  So, the key to having healthy relationships and a fulfilling life is to practice SELF-LOVE!